Survivor Shaming & The Aftermath of Killing Someone: Moving Past Guilt & Shame In The Public Eye - Part 2 With Terra Newell

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Well first had to have those days spray, have those messages and you cry the whole

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day because people sing, you know, people can be mean and send terrible messages.

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Like I've had people telling me that I should be rotting in jail right now.

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And I'm like, I went in and cried about that.

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But later.

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You kind of have to realize that well, and I go through a lot of therapy too,

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and, you know, having a therapist helps, but deciphering from the good and the

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bad and realizing that the good overlaps the bad a hundred times, even though in

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that moment, that bad me seem like it's.

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Testimony continued today in the most notorious criminal trial

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in Richland county history.

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Dr.

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John Boyle is accused of killing his wife, Marine and burying

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her body in the basement of his new home in Erie, Pennsylvania.

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The 12 year old son lively took the stand.

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I heard a scream I heard, but it's about this loud.

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We have a jury find the defendant guilty when I was 12 years old, my testimony

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sent my father to prison for murdering.

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This podcast serves as a type of therapy and reconciliation for myself.

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And it is my hope that it helps anyone who is experienced

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deception, betrayal, and dark trial.

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I'm Collier Landry and this is moving past murder.

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So as many of you are.

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Well, you were curious to hear more of Terra Newell story.

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So, and, and sort of the, the part two of our interview is how did

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Terra move past murder or move past ending John me Han's life.

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And so she's going to share some very unique perspectives and what

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her relationship is like now with her who, with his daughters and her

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family, and what was sort of the, the re the aftermath of all of this.

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So I'm pleased to welcome back to the program Terra.

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So Terra, it's so great to have you back on the program.

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Thank you for agreeing to come back and sort of share your process with us.

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Um, and I just met you last night, which was really cool.

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We did this, you did this true crime meetup that you invited me to.

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Yeah.

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Thank you so much for coming to it.

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It was so funny and just so fun to see like-minded people.

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I feel like half, this also didn't drink and we were at a bar, so

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it was like a fun environment.

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Yeah.

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And the sweet potato fries were amazing.

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Um, did you have those?

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I had like one or two.

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They weren't good.

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I like them with catch up though.

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There wasn't catch

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up there.

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I know I was bombed.

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I asked for it.

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The guy didn't come back.

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Oh, well, um, so.

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So one of my, uh, several of my listeners, they listened to our last

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episode, which we were originally going to kind of put together with your mom.

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And then we decided to do a one-off episode.

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So this would be like our part two that you've agreed to join us on.

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But a lot of the listeners will reach out to me.

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They were like, you know, call your, we'd love to hear more about you

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because I sort of summed up what you're doing, but I was like, yeah, why don't

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I have Tara tell us what she's doing.

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And you know, the, the.

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The title of this program is moving past murder.

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And obviously you're, you're moving past something that was a horrific

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situation that you were put in and you had to defend yourself.

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And, uh, you know, you stand really strong in that.

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And you've done a lot of really, really amazing work on yourself

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that you shared with me last night.

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And so I'd like to talk to you a little bit about that, what you'd like to share,

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how you went through all of this after John Meehan, being in the hospital.

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You know, having cash, which you share with me, we had nice little cry about, um,

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tell us, tell us how all this happened.

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Okay.

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So, well, when you first initially go through the shock of everything and.

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I wanted to kind of convince everyone that I was okay.

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And that I didn't need to be worried about and whatnot, but that wasn't the case.

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Um, I had meltdowns, I had panic attacks.

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I was grooming dogs and working with dogs before hand in.

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Couldn't do this job because my dog was with me and my attack and he was barking.

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So that became a trigger for me.

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And unfortunately I would have these meltdowns as I was trying to work

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and I just couldn't get it together.

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And then my sister and I kind of ended up getting in an altercation.

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And it got bad and the cops were called and they came and they were just like,

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you guys just need to be separated.

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And I was just in a place where like I was triggered and she, you know,

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sisters and brothers, we fight.

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And my sister and I were 15 months apart in age.

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So it was like, she, it was a lot that we had to go through and process.

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So it just, wasn't healthy to be all under the same.

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And so I ended up going to Texas out to Austin and I stayed with my other sister.

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She was amazing until I, uh, take to him.

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I can't talk about, she takes, she's taken a lot of time off of work.

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Um, and she had to just like clear out a room and she was like, come stay here.

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And she really.

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Took care of me.

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And I went into EMDR therapy team that really helped me.

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And then it just went on this healing journey and Austin was amazing for me.

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I felt like I was completely healed and then I had to go back to work.

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So I came back to California so that I could work from

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my mom's silk plant company.

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And then I started working there.

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Um, I went out to a bar and this guy grabbed me by my waist just to move

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me, um, because he wanted to play pool and I ended up freaking out on

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him, not like hitting him or anything and just started yelling at him.

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And I was telling him that it's never okay to touch a woman and you have

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to have her permission and so on.

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Um, and that ended.

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Being on the daily mail, of course.

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And then I realized that I had to go back to therapy because I just

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didn't work on all my triggers.

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And I was kind of living in this cycle of, um, drinking and stuff.

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But then when I came back, I was trying to not go out as much and trying to navigate

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that whole scene because my friend.

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That I was with beforehand.

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They were out drinking and living in these toxic cycles.

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And so I had to navigate having boundaries with them and I'm a people pleaser.

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So I wanted to go out to the bars with my friends because they were like,

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Tara, come out, come out, come out.

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And it's just a thing.

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And, you know, early twenties, Like 20, 25, 26.

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So not

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really trust me.

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I'm a little bit older than you that I'll, I'll take that as early twenties.

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Okay.

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So around that time, you know, it's just parties and drinking and that's like

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the society norm, but it's not healthy.

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And so I really had to step out and then.

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Navigate my own healing.

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Take time for myself and go on hikes, get one with nature.

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And then this path will COVID hit and that's a trauma itself.

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And then this whole other healing journey went through.

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And that's when I really got into yoga and went through my teacher training

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and it just helped with me so much.

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Like I.

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I am so not reactive with things.

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Like if someone cuts me off, I'm like, well, some days, some days I'm like, you

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know, but I have to be built up from other triggers to have a reaction to something.

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So I went through this process and then now it kind of came to me, wanting

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to coach other women because so many people come to me and bite for advice.

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And.

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On calls with them for hours and it's like, I'm already coaching.

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Um, but I really had to get to a place where I felt like I was healed enough to

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take on other people's stories and energy.

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So got to that place.

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And then now I've done coaching for two years now.

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I've done like workshops with different people with Dr.

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Judy ho, um, Dr.

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Judith Joseph, and lots of great coaches and psychologists, psychiatrists.

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And.

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Now I'm just doing no more toxic dating workshops and trauma workshops.

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So which

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I need to sign up for it.

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No more toxic damage.

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Cause I clearly I have to, to learn something from you.

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Yeah.

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Well it starts in may.

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So, you know, I got in time.

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Yeah,

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you got.

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So you said you had this, you know, when I think about your situation

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and I was actually talking to someone about this yesterday, before I went to

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S before I met you in person, and we were discussing one of the things that

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this person said to me, they said, you know, it's like a veteran that comes

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back from war and they're triggered.

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They hear an explosion or they hear something and they're

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just, they become startled.

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And I was discussing I'm, I'm working on a documentary right now and it was about

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a Vietnam vet he's since passed away.

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But my friend went to wake him up in the film and he didn't wake him up properly.

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And he was like, aye, aye.

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And he was lamenting music, you know, I should have.

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Properly.

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I knew better.

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You gotta be really gentle with me.

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He kind of jarred him and his reaction.

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You could see for about 10 seconds.

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He's trying to assess a situation like do I grab for this he's 40

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years removed from the Vietnam war.

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So I think there's a lot of PTSD that comes from anything.

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For me, I, you know, I'm eternally grateful to all our veterans and

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our combat veterans and for what they've done for this country.

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And I think.

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But I think that when you sign up for something like that, you are acknowledging

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the risks and that's not to say that's not to denigrate or anything that they've been

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through, but I think that they do that.

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Whereas when you are someone who is just assaulted out of the blue or attacked,

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or in your case, like he was coming to kill you, not it wasn't like I'm going to

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attack you or try to rape you, you know?

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As often happens, unfortunately, in society, this was like, he's

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coming, he's, he's going to kill.

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He's trying to kill you.

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I would imagine that you are in these situations in real life

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or that you get these triggers.

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Cause you're in a normal situation, but it's not these normal situations

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don't become so normal anymore is I guess what I'm really saying.

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Then you're under the microscope.

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He said, oh, it goes into the daily mail.

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How do you, how do you cope with all of that and become the person

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that you are today without being jaded and things like that.

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Because people ask me this, right.

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But I've never, well, I have been attacked, but that's a different

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story, but how do you, you're in the public eye, this happens.

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How do you deal with this and you, and how do you come and say, look, I I'm

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acknowledging this and owning this.

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I need to do more work.

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How do you get, how do you get there?

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Cause that's.

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Um, commendable.

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Um, well thank you for that.

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I, well, first had to have those days, Bray have those messages

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and you cry the whole day because people sing, you know, people can

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be mean and send terrible messages.

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Like I've had people tell me that I should be rotting in jail right now.

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And I'm like, I went and, and cried about that.

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But later you kind of have to realize.

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Well, and I go through a lot of therapy too.

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And, you know, having a therapist helps, but deciphering from the good

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and the bad and realizing that the good overlaps the bad a hundred times,

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even though in that moment, that bad me seem like it's overlapping a hundred

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times, but really the good overlaps and just staying in that mindset.

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But.

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You know that person who said that message to, they may be

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ill or in a different space.

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So just staying on the positivity now and in that screen, but

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you know, it's, sometimes you are human and you are affected.

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Yeah.

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And that's a really, you know, that's something that people come to me and

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they go, how are you so positive?

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How are you?

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And I'm like, well, what is it like when you honestly break it down?

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What is the other choice that doesn't look so good?

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Living your life in fear, paranoia?

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You know, I had, I had a friend that said something to me recently.

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I had, I was wearing a, I had gotten a watch fixed and I

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said, oh, I got my watch back.

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And he goes, well, you better be careful when you wear that out.

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And I'm like, that is.

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Despite everything I've been through that is still something I don't think about.

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And look, I've been attacked in, you know, by five guys in Hollywood few years

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ago, I have, uh, you know, obviously also almost lost my own life by my father.

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Um, because I firmly believe he was, he was going to kill me and in Florida.

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Um, I think that, you know, People want to proceed with caution through life

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and all this, but when you go through things that are so, so horrific and

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so extreme, I think that I almost feel like you're give a shit has turned

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off.

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Um, yes.

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So, you know, talking about last night, there was even someone that

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is in the true crime sprayed space that witnessed a murder or witnessed.

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I didn't get her story completely, but you know, she is a brown

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murder and is living in that space.

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And instead of like being positive about the situation, she

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wanted to go confront the guy.

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And, you know, I feel it's important to also do that, but to not live in that

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resentment and to not live in that hate.

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And she was just living.

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In that cycle of like nothing good is going to happen.

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And I felt so bad for her in that moment because when you truly believe that,

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then you create all these negative thoughts and then you live in that like

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stuck cycle and you're in your home.

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And you're the person that doesn't want to come out of your home from trauma.

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And.

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When you change your mindset and you change, you know, live in positivity.

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That's when you create growth from your trauma and moving past murder and.

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Yeah.

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And it's, and, and also, you know, I, so I did a Ted talk

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and I was talking about that.

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I feel that one of the ways to lead yourself through trauma is also being

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like an action or being like, in your case, you're being of service.

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You're helping other people.

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I mean, I feel with me doing this podcast, I'm being of service, obviously.

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Exposing parts of my life that nobody gets to see and reading letters from my

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father, talking to great individuals like yourself and sharing these stories of hope

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and, and to really share the message that no matter how bad things get there is.

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First of all, there's always somebody who's got it worse than you, even though

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you think it's worse, it's so bad that it's never going to, there's always

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somebody that has it worse than you.

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And on top of that, if you just lead with this open heart and you do, because if

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you don't do that, in my opinion, you can tell me what you think about this.

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But I think it's probably the same thing is that if you don't live

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your life to the fullest, they wind.

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And, you know, even if John was alive today, Well, it's hard to say because

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you never know when you're in that situation, but I want to say that I

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wouldn't be living in fear from him.

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I would be living my life and trying to do things too well, probably

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protect me and keep safety, but also like, you know, live out my dream.

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If I wanted to go somewhere, I'm going to go somewhere.

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I'm going to visit that place.

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I'm going to live out what I want to do.

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Yeah, I don't think you can live life looking over your shoulder.

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That's why I wonder on the flip side for me, like I watch, like, I am not into

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true crime, but I'm inch, but I am into people who pull scams or financial crimes

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and I'm going to, there's a few people I have lined up for the program that are

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going to come on that are going to discuss these types of things in real detail.

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I feel like those types of people that like Rob people of like millions of

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dollars or get away with these scams and do all these horrible things

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that destroy families and lives.

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Right?

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Because financial violence is also a very real thing with

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sometimes even worse consequences than actually just killing some.

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Because it affects the whole family.

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And then those people might turn to suicide because nothing I've

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lost my life savings, everything I worked for Bubba, and now my

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family can't afford to pay them.

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So the, you know, it, it's really very, very destructive in a

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lot of ways like con artists.

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But I feel like those people con.

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Are looking over their shoulders.

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I was talking about the Tinder swindler last night with someone.

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And I said, you know, I said, and he, supposedly this guy

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is going to sign a deal.

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They're doing a dating show, all these things.

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And I'm just like, and they're like, well, when you see that, does she go?

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There's no justice in the world.

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I say, okay, No, I don't look.

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I mean, yeah, it sucks.

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I hope that whoever he owes the money to is able to Sue him and get that money

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and get themselves their restitution.

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But yeah, it's terrible.

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But you have to understand that when you're looking at them and saying,

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oh, they're living a great life.

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No, they're not.

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They live a life where they look over there.

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Every single day, if not every single hour there, just like my

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friend said, oh, what did you go out?

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And you get robbed.

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Well, I don't think about that.

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You know, I'm like, am I naive?

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No, I'm not naive.

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I know that things exist.

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I don't leave the, you know, I wouldn't leave my bike parked out

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without a lock on it or something, or I wouldn't, I'm not naive or stupid,

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but I, but I'm also not going to just think that the world is out to get me.

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And I feel like a lot of people that go through extreme trauma, they

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go through this at like the, okay.

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There's no hope in the world.

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There's no.

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There's no light at the end of the tunnel, uh, all is lost.

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So to those people, what would you say?

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30 seconds.

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Gotta

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step out of that mindset, even if it's just taking a

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walk every day, start little.

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And when you start little, you can build on that.

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There you go.

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Now really fast.

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You were, you were talking about self-defense.

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Um, so you do self-defense.

Speaker: 00:20:03

No, no,

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I've done a charity event where I've had people teach us self-defense

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and then I went through the steps of what I did to defend myself

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and what was accurate in that.

Speaker: 00:20:19

Um, so I'll talk about that, those steps, but I don't teach

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people how to defend themselves.

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What of.

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Well, we were talking last night.

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Very candidly.

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You said that you have a relationship with John's daughters, is that correct?

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And how does that, so for those of the world, it's like, how does that work?

Speaker: 00:20:42

Can you tell us a little bit about.

Speaker: 00:20:44

Well, I love Emily and Abigail.

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I think people's normal reaction is like you killed their dad.

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They should hate you.

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And I think that's absurd by the way, but I'm also someone that's,

Speaker: 00:20:55

you know, that is very forgiving.

Speaker: 00:20:58

Obviously people are going to vilify you without even you, you know, I think

Speaker: 00:21:02

one of the most difficult things for me and why I got out of where I was.

Speaker: 00:21:06

As fast as I could was I carried with it, the stigma of, oh yeah,

Speaker: 00:21:11

that's call your he's the he's Dr.

Speaker: 00:21:14

Boyle son, the murderer who murdered his dad, you know, the

Speaker: 00:21:17

whispers and things like that.

Speaker: 00:21:19

Um, and you are still probably dealing with that because it

Speaker: 00:21:24

became a television show and people know you and you know, when you

Speaker: 00:21:26

Google you, you you're everywhere.

Speaker: 00:21:29

You know, you're very much.

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Owning this, which is, I think probably the most staggering and

Speaker: 00:21:34

spectacular thing about you is that you've, you're embracing this when you

Speaker: 00:21:39

meet Emily and Abigail it's like they were living in fear from their dad for so long.

Speaker: 00:21:44

So we kind of just bonded on the fact that we all were living in fear from this guy.

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And even though it was their father and whatnot, it was just

Speaker: 00:21:57

like, we were all of the dirty.

Speaker: 00:21:59

The dirty John girls or what not dirty John girls, but we were the church girl.

Speaker: 00:22:04

Yeah.

Speaker: 00:22:06

So that's interesting.

Speaker: 00:22:07

So I'm sure, like, nobody knows that, but this guy was even

Speaker: 00:22:11

traumatizing his own family.

Speaker: 00:22:12

His own daughters were traumatized by him.

Speaker: 00:22:15

Oh yeah.

Speaker: 00:22:16

No, they were living in fear.

Speaker: 00:22:17

They couldn't, um, they had to have certain.

Speaker: 00:22:21

Like things that school where it says, um, if you see this guy, like don't

Speaker: 00:22:25

let the girls go with him and stuff.

Speaker: 00:22:28

Wow.

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Yeah.

Speaker: 00:22:33

That's crazy.

Speaker: 00:22:34

I mean, that's that's wow.

Speaker: 00:22:37

So you're almost in a way you sort of saved them from a very

Speaker: 00:22:44

cause they would have dealt with that their entire life probably.

Speaker: 00:22:47

Yeah.

Speaker: 00:22:48

Um, I, I, in a sense I did, I don't, I, I don't like to like

Speaker: 00:22:53

say I saved people and like, be

Speaker: 00:22:55

like, no, no, no, no, no.

Speaker: 00:22:56

Of course, no, but you ended it, you ended the, you ended the cycle

Speaker: 00:23:01

of the chaos for so many people.

Speaker: 00:23:04

So one of the things like I've always been.

Speaker: 00:23:07

Upset like obsessed with, it's why I got into why I made a murder in

Speaker: 00:23:11

Mansfield and wagon into filmmaking in general was I was, I was obsessed

Speaker: 00:23:15

with understanding the consequences of violence and the ramifications of it.

Speaker: 00:23:20

But here is something that was violent, but it actually had a

Speaker: 00:23:25

positive ramification because it ended so much suffering for those around.

Speaker: 00:23:32

Yeah, well, you know, that's part of like my belief system, you know, it's

Speaker: 00:23:37

coming to you and if you believe that good at the end of the day, over defeats

Speaker: 00:23:44

evil, you know, you're going to win.

Speaker: 00:23:46

And if you have those good thoughts and not good mentality, you're going to be.

Speaker: 00:23:54

And you're happy.

Speaker: 00:23:56

I think so.

Speaker: 00:23:58

Well, it's a work in progress, right?

Speaker: 00:23:59

For everyone.

Speaker: 00:24:02

Um, Tara Newell, thank you so much for coming back to the program.

Speaker: 00:24:05

Probably going to bother you again.

Speaker: 00:24:07

I'm sure because I know I'm going to see you again.

Speaker: 00:24:08

So, um, this has been really great and I, and I want to thank you for really

Speaker: 00:24:14

taking the time, because this really impacts my listeners and they just love

Speaker: 00:24:17

hearing these stories because you are.

Speaker: 00:24:19

Even much like myself, someone that I think people look up to

Speaker: 00:24:22

and go, Hey there, they made it.

Speaker: 00:24:25

I can make it too.

Speaker: 00:24:26

And I commend you for being that person.

Speaker: 00:24:29

Thank

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you.

Speaker: 00:24:29

I do

Speaker: 00:24:30

too.

Speaker: 00:24:31

That's great.

Speaker: 00:24:32

Uh, now really fast, whereas Dixon.

Speaker: 00:24:34

Hi, Jason, give me for those of you who don't know, Dixon is terrorists.

Speaker: 00:24:41

Doggy.

Speaker: 00:24:50

Oh, my goodness.

Speaker: 00:24:54

Look at that.

Speaker: 00:24:55

Sweet Dixon.

Speaker: 00:24:59

Hi bud.

Speaker: 00:25:03

I took him dog.

Speaker: 00:25:04

So he was eating some salmon and gave me kiss.

Speaker: 00:25:09

Oh, well he loves his mama.

Speaker: 00:25:12

Yeah.

Speaker: 00:25:12

That's so sweet.

Speaker: 00:25:13

Well, Tara, thank you so much again for being on the program and,

Speaker: 00:25:17

um, thank you for bringing Dixon.

Speaker: 00:25:18

He's so cute.

Speaker: 00:25:19

I love him so much.

Speaker: 00:25:23

All right, well, um, I will talk to you soon doll.

Speaker: 00:25:26

Thank you.

Speaker: 00:25:26

And all right.

Speaker: 00:25:31

So, uh, my most recent episode was with Tara Newell.

Speaker: 00:25:36

Was portrayed by Julia Garner and the television series dirty John, her mother,

Speaker: 00:25:41

Debra Newell was the one who dated dirty John, John Mehan and ended up marrying

Speaker: 00:25:46

him and all of this chaos ensued.

Speaker: 00:25:49

She ultimately was the one who, after being attacked by John, uh,

Speaker: 00:25:54

when he was coming to kill her, uh, by the grace of God, the knife

Speaker: 00:25:58

flies out of her hand and she ends up obviously ending his life after

Speaker: 00:26:02

being stabbed multiple times herself.

Speaker: 00:26:06

And a lot of you had reached out and wanted to know with terrorists story,

Speaker: 00:26:10

Y you know, how she is able to cope.

Speaker: 00:26:13

And, and to be honest with you, this is, so this is a young woman who has

Speaker: 00:26:18

done so much work, who has done such a tremendous job on herself to really

Speaker: 00:26:22

overcome, because quite honestly, when someone comes to take your life, And you

Speaker: 00:26:28

know, it, this wasn't a freak accident.

Speaker: 00:26:31

This was his, he had pure intent to kill her.

Speaker: 00:26:35

That's a lot to work through in your life when you're just a normal

Speaker: 00:26:38

person trying to deal with life.

Speaker: 00:26:40

So for Tara to step out and to work on herself and to work through being

Speaker: 00:26:46

an active participant in our society and, and helping people with her story

Speaker: 00:26:51

is something that I really command.

Speaker: 00:26:52

It's a big part of what we're doing here on the.

Speaker: 00:26:55

I'm Collier Landry and this is moving past murder.

Speaker: 00:26:58

Thanks y'all.

Speaker: 00:27:06

This podcast is made possible by support from listeners, just like.

Speaker: 00:27:10

Please subscribe via apple podcast, Spotify audible.

Speaker: 00:27:15

Find us on YouTube, https://www.youtube.com/collierlandry

Speaker: 00:27:24

The film, a murder and Mansfield.

Speaker: 00:27:26

It was available on investigation discussion.

Speaker: 00:27:28

Discovery plus an Amazon prime.

Speaker: 00:27:36

This podcast is a production of don't touch my radio in association

Speaker: 00:27:40

with RSA entertainment, please visit https://www.mpmpodcast.com